Every day that passes without incident to yourself, a loved one, or a friend is a true blessing. You see, we are all walking this very thin line where, at any moment, one’s health and life trajectory as we know it can be altered entirely. One day you are celebrating family, a birthday, a personal accomplishment. Life is great. The next moment you could be thrown into a seemingly bottomless pit fighting for your life or finding yourself beside a love one fighting for their own life.
Everything in life is held in perfect balance until it isn’t. There are no absolutes. This truth becomes hauntingly apparent when something like stage IV cancer occurs.
Most people I know don’t live with the constant level of uncertainty that comes with metastatic cancer. Even after receiving my results of NED (no evidence of disease) last year it gives me little comfort in my daily life. Living in this world of “wait and see” is as difficult as it comes. This level of uncertainty touches every aspect of a person’s life — spending, family, a job, hobbies, future goals and dreams. Every stomach ache, sore joint, or internal pain conjures up insurmountable fears of the cancer returning. These uncertainties lead to anxiety and a constant, internal fight-or-flight response. I would love to share or tell stories of great mental fortitude and powering through cancer and my fears like some amazing human being. There are times where I feel I’ve been as strong as I can in the face of the unknown. But in reality, most of the time this fear consumes and cripples completing even the smallest of tasks. I’ve been frozen by cancer’s uncertainty many times, often finding myself stuck in a place with the anxiety and fear that seem to be my hallmarks of living with metastatic cancer.
I somehow know to expect the feelings of regret for making plans for months from now. It would be so much easier to stay home as these dates approach. But I also know that what I actually feel is fear. Fear that cancer will get in the way. But also fear of going outside of this small world that metastatic cancer has shaped for me, a world where uncertainty thrives. So, I mostly say yes to what I can and I make a point of being an active part of my loved ones’ lives. Everything else is much further down the list.
At times, cancer’s uncertainties has also left me feeling somewhat abandoned. I have made myself secluded for over two years since my diagnosis in late 2017. I have always been somewhat of an introvert and I’m OK with that. But during treatments I developed even more of a social phobia. I didn’t want to go out of the house most days, and I couldn’t bring myself to even go to places like the grocery store or to any type of social gatherings. It was just too much to handle.
When I sit with these feelings and realities of what cancer has done to me a profound sense of regret and sadness fills my head. Most days I absolutely despise what cancer has done to me. It feels like parts of my soul have been stolen and striped away. But I also know there is much opportunity that I will be able to rebuild those part of me that have been peeled away. That is always my hope.
Cancer’s uncertainties change everything: your outlook on life, career aspirations, and priorities. But despite the things that have been taken, it has at least given me a few things back. For example, I often find myself chatting with others going through the same cancer and similar experiences. If I have lived through it and they are just starting on this dreadful journey, then maybe my experiences, research, and knowledge can help them cope just a little. I find solace in being able to help.
To me the phrase, “The only thing that’s certain in life is death and taxes,” is only partially true. I think we should add “…and God is good” to that common phrase. Because no matter how bad things seem at the time or the final outcome, we have to remember that God is good and that only he can steady our mind, uncertainties, and fears. Everything in life, even cancer, is a trial that reaps important life lessons.
